No Pujols for Cubs? WHEW!!!

It’s looking more and more that any minute we’re going to hear that Albert Pujols is going to sign a 10 year deal worth nearly as much as the National Defense Budget for France (*citation needed).  The big question is, who will that ridiculous contract be with?

Actually…let’s get to that in a second.  Aside from the fact that Albert A. plays for the baseball team I would most like to catch herpes and B. is named after several people’s corn shoot (say it aloud), there’s no argument that he’s been the best player in baseball over the last 10 years.  Some might even make a compelling argument that he’s had the best 10 year span for a hitter in the history of the game…I can see it.  All that being said, he’s at least 32 years old.  This dude lies about his age more than college freshman on Spring Break.  But, let’s just say he is 32 (wink, wink).  Ten years?  TEN YEARS!!!  Dude’ll be 42ish by then…42.  In baseball years that’s like 80.  So the question isn’t will he be worth 10 years–he won’t.  The question is, how lucky we are as Cub fans that he’s going somewhere other than here.  Wait…what?  Why would I not want a player like Albert Fudgestripe Pujols on the Cubs who not only A. have no power hitting first baseman but also, B. have no power hitting and C. actually have no first baseman?

Let’s discuss…the best way to drill this down is by looking at comparables, like the real estate market.  Which incidentally is an excellent simile for Albert’s post 2011 career (spoiler alert…it’s not gonna be pretty).  The easiest thing to look at is that while he still probably has 5 REALLY good seasons left, they aren’t going to be anywhere near what they were the last five years.  In fact, he’s been down in every measurable category whether you are an old school back of the baseball card Neanderthal or a humping your excel spreadsheet new school nerd (see what I did there?).  The point is…he peaked in 2009.  When he was probably really 31 or 32.  A great comp is Alex Rodriguez, who aside from salary and the all-important “I nail considerably more hot dumb ass than you do”, trails El Hombre in everything over the last decade.

Let’s take ARod as an example:

His 3 years prior to his new/new contract (courtesy of www.baseballreference.com)

Okay, now let’s check his stats post his, “I not only want to be the highest paid player, I want to be the top two highest paid players” contract redo (courtesy of www.baseballreference.com)

Listen, did ARod have horrible seasons?  Hell to the naw!  But, check the games played…check the .OPS, see how the numbers are going down…thatsanotsogood.  Granted, Alex is probably realistically 35 years old and not with a scratched up VIN number like Albert.

Here’s another example, we’ll call this guy “Player F”  (as in F this guy, right in the A) I’ll show you his PreMegaContract numbers (I’ll leave out his name, so we can play a fun game later):

Now, let’s check what happened when he signed his huge contract (spoiler alert:  it was with the Cubs):

Now let’s play the game…guess who the player is?  I’ll give you a hint, his name rhymes with Malphonso Moriano and the team he signed with starts with a C and ends in “hicago Cubs”.

Yeah…Fonzie…again, see how his numbers took a huge nose-dive after he “got that money”?  I think it was less because homey got paid and more because homey got old.  Fonzie is also from the same country where it’s fun to make up an age rather than being what we in America call HONEST.

Still with me?  Cool…I think I’ve covered why we don’t want him at 10 years…we’re not having this discussion if the magic years number is 5…I’d be all like–GET THAT DUDE!!!  But, no, he wants to be paid until he’s 50.  So, we don’t want him…so, who do we want to get him?

Let’s assume there are only two “real suitors”, The Cardinals and the Miami Marlins (which honestly owns the worst looking uniform this side of an MC Hammer video).

Conventional thinking says, Pujols leaving the Cardinals is addition by subtraction for Cubs…well, I don’t necessarily buy that math.  Reason being, while he might be great for the next 3-4 years, he’s gonna be Alfonso Soriano afterwards and St. Louis, which doesn’t have our deep pockets (I mean, c’mon, who really drinks Bud?) is gonna be saddled with his albatross of a contract while we’re celebrating the 100’th anniversary of Wrigley with our back to back WS victories.

The Marlins?  I actually love this, because we’ve seen this movie before and it sucked both times.  It’s the equivalent of watching “Godfather III” because of the first word in that title and hoping by some chance, Fredo comes back to life or even Fat Marlon Brando pulls a Hamlet on Michael…but nope, it just sits there in the DVD case, waiting to suck.  Remember back in 1997 the upstart Marlins won the WS and everyone was all, “Sheeit, if they can do it…so can we!”  People started going to that embarrassment of a baseball park and supporting the Fightin’ Fish…how’d they reward them?  They traded Bonilla, Piazza, Sheffield, Johnson, Brown and White within a year.  They gutted the team.  Hey…it’s 2003, while I will not discuss a certain foul ball, we’ll just say the Fish won the WS…again!  Jack McKeon was 108 years old and he led them to the big flag trophy…what happened within two years?  They traded Brad Penny, some guy named Derrek Lee, Josh Beckett, Mike Lowell, Carlos Delgado, Motta, LoDuca, etc. etc.  We gotcha, bitch!  Now they’ve changed their name to the Miami Marlins, they had some tweaked-out club banger do their new M logo to look like embroidery the old Miami Vice Member’s Only Jackets and now they are dropping Benjamins left and right….making it rain on Miami!  How much coke money can you spend?  I mean, dayum!  Anyway, the hook is…new logo, new ballpark, new team…c’mon back!  But the bottom line is…Miami does not care about baseball (I said that in the exact same tone Kanye used to talk about George Bush).  They don’t.  Have you been to a game there?  Seriously, it’s ridiculous…DJ’s and Cheerleaders, they’ve got like 5 different mascots, there’s a water slide, there was a concert half way thru for some Stereo Estrella station…it was more like going to a Quinceañera, than a baseball game.  They need to do all that nonsense, because nobody there cares about the game…and let’s be honest, if you’re rocking white Mark Jacob slacks, a T-Shirt two sizes too small, a Mr. T starter kit gold chain and sitting next to a woman that should be in the next Fast and Furious movie…why the hell would you watch baseball?  What does this have to do with Pujols going there?  I’m not sure…but it’s funny, right?  Anyway…if he goes there, it’s gonna be a disaster.  They may win one…they might even win two, but they are gonna be stuck with a guy who will age as well as Brigitte Nielsen, have you seen her lately?  She looks like Rutger Hauer after he was killed in Blade Runner.

Anyway, I digress…my point is simple…we don’t want Pujols for 10 years, he won’t sign for less.  So, whether or he goes to the Cards or the Fish, it’s not a bad thing for us long-term…in fact, it’s gonna be a funny show to watch.  Too bad for us, it’s gonna feel like a re-run!

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